First of all, the most important bond we can ever have is the bond between a mother and child, humans are relational by nature! Secondly, our basic instincts for connection, security, and safety is hardwired into our hierarchy of needs. So, what happens when our caregivers were unable to provide us with the necessary emotional bonding in early childhood? Our emotional wounds often leave us feeling like wounded children as we step into the world; consequently, leading us down a path of neediness.
We go through life looking for love in all the wrong places, indiscriminately forcing others, into positions to fill this childhood void.
I am certainly no stranger to this wound and it took a herculean dose of self awareness and self honesty to transform it into empowerment.
If you’re asking yourself why am I so needy for affection? You’re not alone! Living a life driven by an overwhelming need for security, comfort, and intimacy is a surefire way to experience suffering.
Furthermore we can find ourselves enduring familiar painful experiences in different relationships. In this way we relive the trauma over and over again. I can tell you from experience that doing this just helps to validate our underlying feeling of unlovability and unworthiness.
There’s a stigma around how neediness impacts the way we may show up in our relationships. Becoming aware of; the people that we loved, that pulled away; the lack of dignity that some people granted us; our own lack of self respect and the blindspots that we have surrounding exactly how demanding we are — is a painful elixir.
Additionally, the conversations around neediness are often judgemental or lacking compassion which can unintentionally degrade us.
Therefore, I’d like to issue a trigger warning for those of you who have wounds around neediness.
It’s human to desire love, connection, and support; however, where do we draw the line between having healthy expectations and becoming too dependent on others for our nourishment?
What is the meaning of neediness?
Etymology of the word needy
Needy is a word inherited from Germanic. It comes from the root word neodi meaning ”very poor or indigent’’. It is rooted in a poverty or lack consciousness. The word originally refers to finances, but in this article we will be focusing on neediness as it pertains to emotions.
Causes of Emotional Neediness
Neediness in a relationship with others is an intense desire for closeness, affection, support or reassurance that is more than what is usually required and expected within the confines of a healthy relationship. Demanding people feel an intense desire for love, safety, security, reassurance and connection.
They default to filling that need by reaching outwards for validation and reassurance, frequently overlooking, denying and diminishing their own inner resources.
Behaviours labelled as needy often have deeper psychological roots. Some of these may be explained through researcher Abraham Maslow who constructed a diagram that describes our hierarchy of needs. See our article where we break down how to enhance your self-worth and how it influences your personal development.
When this wound is active, no matter how much an individual tries to meet the needy person’s demands, their needs are never satisfied. They may gravitate to codependent relationships with a people pleaser who has a strong desire to feel needed. This is a shadow dance as both the martyr and the the person receiving are two sides of the same coin.
Why is neediness unpleasant to experience?
A quick search on the synonyms for needy highlights the constitution of a demanding person:
Bankruptcy, Barrenness, Beggary, Debt, Deficiency, Deficit, Depletion, Destitution, Difficulty, Distress, Emptiness, Famine, hardship, Impoverishment, Inadequacy, Indigence, Insufficiency, Lack, Meagerness, Necessity, Need, Pass, Paucity, Pauperism, Pennilessness, Pinch, Poorness, Reduction, Scarcity, shortage, starvation
When the desire for a relationship with others goes from desire to dependence, it will often have the opposite intended effect. It’s an unfortunate reality that neediness is eventually met with an unwillingness to acquiesce to our needs. We may end up driving away the exact people we wanted connection with. Some articles on the web even state that neediness is linked to a narcissitic personality disorder.
Narcissism is a self–centered personality style characterized as having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one’s own needs, often at the expense of others.
Demanding
Although our initial desire to have our wants satisfied may be granted, gradually the never-ending list of needs turns into demands. Constant demands on another person’s resources, whether it’s in the form of their time, energy, finances etc is experienced as a form of entitlement.
The demanding person will overlook another individuals needs as it relates to creating balance and prioritising their own life.
To get their needs met, a needy person may resort to manipulation tactics like offering money, to overstep the other person’s boundaries.
Being excessively demanding is when you unrealistically expect to made a priority in a person’s life.
An example of this is not listening when a person has communicated their boundaries and asking persistently. Or they may ask an individual to change their schedule to accommodate their own plans or goals. It is the irrational belief that you should be someone else’s top priority or duty.
We are so focused on having our needs met that we become self focused and therefore oblivious to other people’s needs. This type of self focus makes more debits than it makes deposits.
This wound drives us to seek safety and to feel loved but when we have not built this foundation within ourselves, we are like a baby with a bottle of warm milk. Even after the bottle is empty, we continue to suckle on the teat.
When we are addressing neediness, it’s important not to treat only the symptoms. Simply ‘acting’ or ‘looking’ as though you are ‘independent’ will not suffice. To get to the root of what is causing the neediness in the first place, you need to confront the problem.
Neediness is Rooted in Fear
The best way to understand and eliminate neediness and clinginess in a relationship is to first acknowledge what is causing it. Fundamentally neediness is rooted in fear.
Neediness is rooted in fear:
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of being alone
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of loss
When we are clingy we look outwardly for our sustenance and it might scare us as we cannot control the external source of nourishment, so we hold on tightly. This is what forms the basis of an insecure attachment style.
Early childhood wounds – Why do people become needy?
Attachment theory
Attachment theory states that the way a person forms emotional bonds with their parents or primary caregiver informs the attachment style they form in their relationships.
When a child experiences issues with emotional bonding from their mother, it may develop into insecurities, feelings of distrust and an anxious attachment style. As we grow this early childhood wounding bleeds into our relationships with others. This insecurity unconsciously causes us to seek constant reassurance from our circle.
Doing everything my partner wanted to do without considering my own needs, was one of the ways this anxious attachment played out in my romantic relationships. I believe this is something many women, and also men can relate to.
In these dynamics, we allowed others to constantly violate our boundaries out of fear of our partners leaving.
The following are some indicators of an anxious attachment style:
- Emotional distress, discomfort at the thought of being alone
- Codependency, which is prioritising the needs of others over our own
- Poor self-worth, insecurities, or concerns about ourselves
- Fear of being abandoned
- Harbouring negative feelings like envy or mistrust
- Feeling unworthy of affection from others
- Requiring validation from others instead of feeling safe in yourself
- An aversion to self soothing and regulating your own nervous system
- An obsession with interpersonal relationships
How to stop being needy?
Set limits and then adhere to them. Give yourself some time to yourself. Seek methods to boost your confidence and sense of self-worth, you might profit from self-improvement techniques like:
- Taking responsibility, self honesty and recognising your patterns
- Think before you ask; are you respecting and recognising other people’s boundaries? Don’t just focus on what you want!
- Developing self-compassion
- Self soothe and learn to regulate your own nervous system
- Becoming more assertive about your own boundaries and feeling at ease saying “no”
- Recognise your own strengths and capabilities
- Engage in empowering activities
- Take on challenges on your own
- Speak positively and lovingly to yourself by becoming conscious of your negative self talk
- Gain self-sufficiency skills
- Be supportive of others
- Surround yourself with uplifting, encouraging relationships
- Recognise relationship patterns that are codependent
17 Healing affirmations for neediness
Learning how to prioritise your self worth is the key to learning how to wean yourself off of being too dependent of others. Try validating your own self worth with these affirmations:
- I am somebody’s child too
- I am valuable and worthy of my own resources
- I love myself first, my inner resources are golden
- I have inherent value
- I am deserving of love, respect and dignity, therefore I give that to myself first
- I show others how to treat me
- I am responsible for myself
- I am full and have a rich well of resources within me waiting to be utilised
- I have self respect and command that from others
- I release the need for approval
- Even when I am all alone, I am alive and I exist
- I am learning to turn inwards for nourishment
- I am an excellent parent to my inner child
- I have a clear mental picture of my inner child and I honour this very important connection
- When I am alone, I use this quality time to recharge and nourish myself
- I am safe inside my own skin – It is safe to be me
- I do not need others to validate my existence
Summary
When someone with this wound puts themselves in an inadvertent position where they are not showing respect to others or to themselves, it might open the door for others to treat them disrespectfully.
Show sympathy; a person in need must be treated with respect and decency.
This does not entail turning into a martyr or an emotional punching bag. It’s critical to defend yourself if their actions become oppressive, unduly leechlike, or gravely threaten your boundaries.
Although it may be a tactic for self-preservation, keep in mind that when you are cold or aloof this doesn’t always help someone who possesses this trait. Similarly, supporting someone who is suffering from a needy wound won’t heal them and can expose your own needy tendencies.
It is essential to recognize that needy people are not always demanding out of choice. Their neediness often stems from circumstances beyond their control. Showing compassion towards a needy person can make a significant difference in their lives.
Understanding the root causes of someone’s neediness can help us approach them with empathy and kindness. By acknowledging the struggles they face, we can offer support and assistance without judgment.
In conclusion, responding to needy individuals with compassion rather than frustration can foster a more inclusive and caring community where everyone feels valued and supported.
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